Hopscotch and Heroin

I was sitting here thinking I'm really going to miss this place. I'm really going to miss my cat. Then I heard a thud and a crash bang boom. I go out in the dining room to see my cat has knocked over a picture frame with me staring out from behind the shattered mess. It's almost funny to think she's done this to a picture of mine twice now. Something tells me I'm not wanted here anymore, even by my cat. Or...perhaps just by my cat?
Call me crazy but she's got something against me.

I just got back from Ottawa and I really like it there. The air is cleaner and the city is a hell of a lot bigger. It'll take some getting used to but I'm sure I can handle getting from place to place on the bus. They have a free shuttle from Carleton to Ottawa U so I can just go on downtown whenever I feel need be. Every half hour. That's all.
Carleton is big, really big, with tunnels underground. If only I could work them, get from place to place in a breeze. I can't yet, we'll see how it goes come September. I'll also see how I can handle journalism in the big city. Sometimes I almost regret taking journalism but what else can I do with my life but write? Get real, I don't see anything else I could possibly try. But they say 50% of Carleton students change their major at least once...
We'll see

Just 2 more years.

I would just like to say that today I woke up feeling rather pleasant but soon enough the sharp pain inflicted brought me back down to earth. I fucking hate going to the doctor. I also hate feeling rather shaky and uncomfortable on the paper sheet which I sat on, waiting for the doc to arrive. My territory was completely invaded, and even though it has to be done, I'd really rather not go through the ordeal.
Let's start again.
Listen to this song, it will make you and I feel so much better.

You won't regret it.

Hold my hand and take a deep breath...
Whoever said holding someones hand would make anyone feel better? One day we're all going to have to brave the storm alone but if we expect a helping hand we'll simply die in the process. Tell me this, if no one will help you, will God?
We squeeze our way out of this perfect cubicle we called home for nine months while the process occurs. We get fingers, we get toes, we get ready to say goodbye to the warmth and enter this place. It shocks our eyes and the smell is unbearable. The lights burn our eyes and we scream out of terror. The whole place is falling apart and we're just one more sad story thrown into the mix. They grab us by the ankle and smack us, trying to give us the hint that we've arrived. But all we wanna do is crawl back up in mommas womb where everything is serene. Where everything is safe.

It's 29 degrees outside today,
so why do I feel so cold?

Listen

Never say never. Open your ears and close your mouth. Keep it all inside and wait to release it another day. All anyone ever wants to do is talk about themselves. It's human nature, right? No need to care about anyone else when you've been taught to fend for yourself. It's a dog eat dog world out there.
No matter how much someone tells you they love you...
always, through thick and thin.
In the end...
they probably love themself more.




If I'm not successful in the future I just want you to know that it's all your fault and you shouldn't be proud of the mistakes you made, the promises you always seem to break. For just a minute I want to spill it all out on the pavement but I'll rather coolly collect my possessions in the morning. I'll do it after you have your way with me and I'll get up before the sun can enter the bedroom window, streaming in on our faces. You deserve to wake up alone with no memory of anything or anyone ever being there, ever caring. I can never tell you what's eating me up inside. I fear the unknown. I fear what lurks around the corner.

Change the subject. It makes talking that much easier.
Uncomfortable situations. God damn those are the worst kind of situations. And of course the most common ones that seem to occur. Just my luck, you know...anyones luck.
Change the subject. It makes looking at you that much easier.
Can I just bring up the fact that growing up is probably the most terrifying ordeal to ever face. Maybe it's the wrinkles that scare people the most. Or the fact that you can no longer get away with doing stupid shit. People will think you're reckless. Well those people are just no fun at all are they? Look what everyone is getting themself into. Each and every one of us.

I've been floating for the past 18 years, it's time to fucking swim!

Speak

Do you remember what used to be cool? Do you remember what used to be lame? Did you hate the fucking fashion statement glued to everyones foreheads? Maybe you can deny yourself the truth on the outside but I know it's killing you within. You know, sometimes I wish I could revert back to childhood, be a small helpless little girl, cause sometimes I wonder if I really wanna be in the shoes I'm wearing today. No matter how sweet the shoes are, wouldn't childhood be that much sweeter? Cause I'm through with high school and terrified of the next step, the next jump, the next leap into adulthood and doing my own laundry, cooking my own meals. Shit, that's terrifying. I'm gonna be eight hours away from the place I call home in the beautiful place we call Ottawa. It'll all be worth it though. When I finish those four years and walk out with a degree. Then I can go write that book or something.
I'm thinking too far ahead these days. It's still only July and I got a shift at video world in 10.